2007

send me out from this world of confusion
haste, for my sould is yearning
far from the touch of wilderness
beneath this heavenly blue sky

thoughts i keep trying to push away
yet never-endingly haunting me
in my sleep, in my dreams
hiding beneath my peaceful rest

is it a sign, i wonder
that feelings have been reborn
over the period of what i thought was over
and now has come back for good

find me my darling
if thats the message you're giving me

Photo by Loralyn

24

the sky is white
i see no trace of yellow light.
oh the beauty
that warms my heart
traces a smile on my lips.
share with me this moment
lets go for a walk
on the places we've traveled
on those sleepless nights
under the stars
that were amazingly bright
lighting up the sky
hard to call the night dark.
but now is morning
and it would be different
for i could see your face clearly
on this perfect weather
gloomy and cold
my heart seeking for you
i miss you
do you not hear me?
my longing, my desire
of just one word from you
one look, thats all
to sweep me off my feet
...again

scratch #nth

like a vine
crawling through my lips
inch by inch
I tried to hold it longer,
yet i let go
and the fruits
of what I've foreseen
had bloomed
on that cold night
with my beloved

I didn't resist,
I didn't want to.
kept going
I tried to pace myself
on a path I chose
awkward and arduous
but happiness unequalled.

my heart leapt
as I tried to keep it in.
distant memories sank in
like a ray
of light on a gloomy day.
unexpected.
beautiful.
moving.

the river flowed
for the beauty that was there
and I offered them
to the dark misty sky.
it was more than
my happiness could take
more than my heart could hold.

then away
i bathed in
just as my eyes did
on that cold night
with my beloved

so close

i looked for you with fear
hiding behind my thoughts
of giving in and compromising

easy, i thought
but seek i did

my distress, a sweet torture
wrapped around me
now you're gone

comfort i rummaged
...failed, in vain

Need a Date?

Have you ever thought about flying miles away from home just to explore a city and its views, taste their food and enjoy the new place. . . even just for one day . . . all ALONE? I know one who thought about it and made it happen.


A friend of mine had been inviting me to watch a movie we've long been waiting for. But when the theaters were showing it already, I was too busy to go out. Nevertheless, my friend watched it with or without me. He didn't just watch that one movie, but two more. Who went with him instead of me as planned? Himself.

These kinds of people surprise me. How do they do that? It's not about the money they'll be draining watching three movies in a row, nor the amount of the food they'll be spending for. It's the absence of a company. The aloneness.

At first it came unbelievable to me. I've never watched a movie nor dined at a semi-fine restaurant alone, so hearing this kind of habit of having a "date" with yourself comes weird to me. I told one friend that doing it would be impossible for me. He asked me, "You're the dependent kind of person, aren't you?"

Then it hit me. I couldn't stand being alone. I had to ask others' opinions before deciding. Or worse, I had to let them decide for me. I had to have someone with me so I could enjoy more. A company meant so much to me that without it, there'd be no sense in going out to the malls, watching movies, enjoying a nice view. The only thing I loved doing alone was going to Sto. Niño every weekend to light candles and pray and I didn't think I could go any further.

Not until I opened myself into the world of dating with myself. It started with a trip to the theater alone. I had to choose between two of my favorite movie genres: comedy and thriller. They say comedies are better watched with friends so you have some people to laugh with, so I chose the latter. After the movie, I dined at a fast food and ate a sumptuous meal. That started my solitary get-aways. Did I enjoy it? More than I've expected it to be.

And it wasn’t my last.

Being alone and lonely are two different things. We don't have to be with someone just to be happier. You can be alone but happy, right? As they say, if you're looking for a helping hand, there's always one on your arm.

If you think you can’t do it alone, do some soul searching. We’re capable than how we think we are. Sometimes we just need to spend time for ourselves. Do some stuff by yourself and you’ll discover things you never thought you’ve ever had. Who else is going to help you when no one else does?

So, you need a date? You know who to call.

Be yourself--not too much

"That's just me. I won't change. Deal with it."

Oh how I hate that line when I comment someone about their bad attitude, habit, whatever.

People sometimes feel too good about themselves that they see change as a bad thing. They'll go saying, "Why don't you just love me for who I am? I'd rather be me than change for you."

First of all, I didn't tell you to change. I was just giving a comment. Oh, did I offend you? That I didn't mean. If there's any comment I would give, I'd want and try to make it constructive. It's up to you to take it that way or otherwise. If you choose the latter, then that's probably why you reply the I'd-rather-be-me line.

Secondly, don't think that by being yourself is all that good. Even I have my own flaws that I don't want to acknowledge as just being myself. We can't please everyone. We know that, don't we?

Don't tell me you've never complained to anyone about their habits or attitude. How would you feel if she'd say she's just being herself? It's not like you're telling her to be somebody else, right? As long as you're telling her to change for the better, then you're on the right track.

I used to be the kind of person who let others decide for myself. Like I didn't have a stand. Until my cousin told me and she seemed really irritated about it, I started to be the opposite--which I find now as better that how I used to be. I know I was being myself back then. I know now too that I am better than who I was before.

Sure, being yourself is good. But please don't be too confident that by doing so, you're doing a good job and it's up to the people to deal with your not so pleasing attitude. If someone comments about you, be thankful and see it as a bridge for a better you. After all, why would they complain if they didn't want a better you?

Talking With Strangers

I have to say I've always been a fan of chatting online and meeting friends. It's not that bad actually, although it's true that the number of perverts is a hundred times more than the sensible ones. It takes some time and some luck--yes, luck--to find someone whom I could talk with sensibly. And when luck is on my side, I could be more than thankful.

Chatting is like seeing faces in the malls, the streets, the church, except that you can talk with them here and now. It can be a remedy to a boring night. And it's up to me to keep in touch with the person I'm chatting with. Someti mes, I just say good night and thank him for the good chat, others I give my email to, while some of them I just leave with my greetings.

It usually starts off with a, "hi, care to chat?" line. Some of them would reply immediately with, "hi. fster?" What a boring way to start off a conversation. So I click on the ignore button and be happy for that feature the program offers (keeping perverts, crazy people away).

But if I'm lucky enough, I could end up chatting with the most sensible person I've ever talked with on the first encounter! I've met young and old ones. Age doesn't matter for me, all I'm after for is a good chat anyway, not someone I could date. I've met a lot of nice, great people online. It's where I've met the most selfless person I know. I've also met some law students and a lawyer, a medical technologist, a pharmacist, some nursing students--one of them a topnotcher, and i can't be any more proud! He was the most humble person I've met. I've also chatted with troubleshooters! I once had a problem with our computer hardware and as much as I have hoped that luck be on my side, it did! I chatted with someone who's good in computers and he helped me with it and wallah! problem solved!

There was even one time when I needed some Egyptian quotes for my friend to use in an Egyptian-themed beauty pageant. No sweat at all. I just logged in to Egypt channel and messaged some chatters, asking if they could lend some time for me to share their language. And the next night, my friend was talking Egyptian in front of a crowd!

You like business? Sometimes I can read ads on the channel, chatters selling off their PSPs, guitars, drums, whatever. I once--just once--sold a book online. There was a girl who asked if someone had a psych book and since I had one, I PM'd (personal message) her right away and it was sold right there and then. We met at a mall and after some talking, we realized that we just come from the same school. What a small world!

I usually login to the channel when I'm bored which is probably once a month. Sometimes the thought of chatting just disappears and I'd forget that it even exists. But when I'm very bored and it so happens that I'm sitting in front of the computer tired of watching youtube or looking at friendster and myspace, I click on to an Internet Relay Chat and talk with strangers. We'd talk about any topic we could think of: movies, music, hobbies, interests, life story, school, pets, books, future. But I always expect to chatt with at least 10 non-sense people first before I end up with someone who talks sense.

See, the world is full of strangers, harmful and harmless, useful and useless, interesting and boring... you name it. Chatting has brought me to this world of versatility. And could I be more than excited? I don't know why, but sometimes it feels so much easier talking to a world of strangers.

patience and time

"patience is a virtue, but time is gold"

many times do we find solace in waiting, thinking that by doing so, fate is gonna pay you a reward for it. and when the 'someone' you're waiting for a very long time finally comes, you then go and tell yourself that it was worth the wait.

but life isn't always at this side of the game. it's full of surprises. it backfires. it can be cruel.

you see the sun rise and set and that does no help in making you feel for waiting more. every tick of the clock aches like the heartbeat of a dying man. it tells your body and soul that you're being asked to wait longer. oh yes, you're every second closer to what your waiting for, but do you actually know what happens at the end of your pause? when that 'someone' finally arrives, clicks on the play button, does that guarantee you of a happy ending?

would your loved one ever want you to sacrifice your time for them? would they ever want you to waste, yeah thats the term, your time waiting for them when you could have done so much?

time never pauses itself. tonight is never gonna come back. oh how do we wish this wonderful life of ours is going to freeze for forever. wake up, thats never gonna happen. see, we can't keep on holding on. we've got the whole world ahead of us giving us choices of what we're gonna make out of our lives. and, our lives are numbered, if you just look closely. every day is a day closer to what, our next birthday. every birthday is a year closer to our, senior citizenship?

no one wants to grow old and look back at what a wasted time their life has been. not unless you've known real good lives though. waiting can't go on forever, not for people who find so much more to one thing.
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